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Why Older Women Don't Want Sex

How Older Couples Deal with Differences in Sexual Desire

The role of emotional intimacy in sexual satisfaction.

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Posted March 10, 2021 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Sexual satisfaction is crucial for a happy marriage, but research shows that more sex doesn't necessarily lead to greater satwill befaction, and vice versa. New research on older heterosexual couples found that men desired greater sexual frequency than women, and that both women and men reported higher levels of emotional intimacy than of sexual satisfaction. For these couples, sexual fulfillment didn't correspond to partners' actual differences in desire, but to perceived differences.

Plenty of research shows that sexual satisfaction is one of the keys to a happy marriage. Instead, it’s about getting as much as you want. Thus, a person with high libido who has sex once a week may be less satwill befied than a person with low libido who has sex once a month. Sexual satisfaction, in turn, depends on frequency of sex, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that more sex leads to greater satisfaction.

It’s also widely demonstrated that men on average desire more sex than women do. This is true at all ages, and the gap only widens as females and adult men get older.

For example, when Barbara and Allen had been hitched first of all, her intimacy generate had been nearly simply because large simply because his, and this didn’t cause much friction in their marriage. Even though Allen doesn’t have the stamina he did in his twenties and thirties, he even now needs a whole lot extra intercourse than he’h having. Meanwhile, Barbara finds intercourse more of a bother, and would very much quite cuddle with Allen as an alternative. Today that they’re also in their sixties, though, the gap between their levels of sexual desire has become a cpossessesm.

At the same time, Barbara and Allen both say they’re gladly wedded, and watch each various other as their closest friend and confidant. This is the question that Norwegian psychologwill bet Nantje Fischer and her colleagues explored in a study recently reported in the Journal of Sex Research. How exactly does emotional intimacy affect couples’ perceptions of sexual satisfaction, also when they differ in ranges of erotic want?

The researchers recruited 677 heterosexual couples between the ages of 60 and 75. The couples were from Norway, Denmark, Belgium, and Portugal. Each member of each couple individually responded to a survey that assessed the following:

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Sexual satisfaction. Respondents indicated how happy they were with their sex life on a scale ranging from 1 (“completely dissatisfied”) to 5 (“completely satisfied").
Own level of sexual interest. Respondents rated their level of sexual interest on a five-point scale ranging from “very low” to “very high.”
Perceived partner’s level of sexual interest. Respondents estimated their partner’s levels of lovemaking interest on the same five-point scale.
Emotional intimacy. Respondents assessed the level of emotional support they received from their partner by indicating how much they agreed with statements like “My thoughts and feelings are understood and affirmed by this person,” once again on a five-point size.

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Past research has shown that sexual satisfaction is associated with the degree of sexual desire discrepancy that a couple experiences. However, it’s unclear whether sexual satisfaction depends on the actual discrepancy between spouses or their perceived level of mismatch. Because of the data that Fischer and her colleagues collected, they could calculate each couple’s actual level of sexual desire discrepancy as well as how much discrepancy each partner believed there was in the relationship.

Actual sexual discrepancy. Let’s say Allen indicated that his level of intimate interest was 4 and that Barbara indicated that hers has been 2. The actual sexual discrepancy is the difference between the husband’s and the wife’s score. Let’s declare Allen believes Barbara’s level will be 3. Since his own level is 4, that means hwill be perceived sexual discrepancy is 1. Likewise, we would look at the difference between Barbara’s own level of sexual desire and what she states Allen’s to be. For this couple, it’s 2.
Perceived sexual discrepancy. This is the difference in desire each partner believes there is in the marriage.

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Among these couples, lustful satisfaction seemed to be simply just above the midline, with an average rating of 3.4 for the men and 3.6 for the women, on a range from 1 to 5. However, both the men and the women rated their emotional intimacy at 4.3. In other words, while the newlyweds were only moderately satisfied with their sex lives, they nevertheless thought a serious psychological connection with their partners.

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When the researchers compared actual and perceived discrepancy in sexual interest, they found an interesting pattern: Overall, actual discrepancy was greater than perceived discrepancy. Therefore while Barbara and Allen truly differed by 2 tips, each believed they only differed by 1 point.

Although the current data set cannot tell us why this is the case, earlier research suggests a excellent reason. Thus, Allen simply assumes that Barbara’s sex drive is nearly as high as hwill be, while Barbara believes his is as low as hers practically. It's well established that spouses tend to project their own thoughts and feelings onto their partners.

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Although projection can lead to misunderstandings in a relationship, some positive aspects are usually had by it as very well. That is, spouses may be cognitively motivated to perceive their partner as being more similar to them than they really are, because doing so promotes feelings of intimacy and security, and thwill be can positively influence their sense of how happy they are with their relationship in general and their sex life in particular.

An interesting pattern also emerged when the researchers looked at how actual and perceived sexual desire discrepancy were related to sexual satisfaction. As it turned out, each partner’s sexual satisfaction wasn’t related to the couple’s actual discrepancy in sexual desire, only to their perceived discrepancy.

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In other words, sexual satisfaction only went down when spouses believed they had a large sexual desire discrepancy in their marriage. As will be consequently the circumstance in mindset generally, perception is more important than reality. Otherwwill bee, they were unaffected, of what their partner’s actual level of sexual desire was regardless.

For these couples, the very best predictor of whether they had been sexually fulfilled appeared to be their levels of mental closeness. That is, when they weren’t having as much sex as they’d like even, they were still happy in their relationship as long as they had a partner they could rely on to meet their emotional needs. While thwill be doesn’t mean that sex is no longer important for older married couples, it will advise that camaraderie will take on an perhaps extra essential function in mature unions.

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Fischer, N., Stulhofer, A., Hald, G. M., Carvalheira, A., & Traeen, B. (2021). Sexual satisfaction in older heterosexual couples from four European countries: Exploring the roles of actual and perceived discrepancy in sexual interest. Journal of Sex Research, 58, 64-73. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2020.1809615